My letter to your website announcing my upcoming wedding to My Shoes member Henry Norcom was well-received by numerous members; offering us kind words of congratulations and encouragement, inviting me to share some of my own life experiences as well; therefore, it only seems appropriate that I too, divulge my triumphs and disappointments. This seemed a small task at first, but soon appeared to be a grief work of monumental significance. I want to thank you for your kind words of encouragement as we work toward celebrating our lives together, each having faced the challenges only those of us who participate in this website can truly understand.

My parent’s mixed racial background, along with a shortage of material goods are conditions which have presented themselves as a struggle throughout most of my life. While I never wanted for anything, I was always aware of the constant judgment placed by society. I also found this to be true with respect to race relations; my mother being bi-racial, whose mother was white and father was bi-racial, and my late father, whose parents were a combination of black and Indian heritage. My community didn’t understand diversity as it is presented to us, now. In their view, only two colors existed: white and black; and since it was evident we were not white, we were immediately (I later discovered) categorized as second class citizens.

Prejudice develops out of fear. It has taken me most of my adult life to learn this. As a child, I can only recall my own experiences between both black and white worlds; my mother’s nearly all-white side were generally quiet and complacent, almost to the point of non-existence. On my father’s side it was quite a different experience. Most week-ends and sometimes week-days were filled with loud beer parties erupting into fights and other unbecoming, hostile behavior. While consciously I didn’t associate color with behavior, subconsciously I did. During lengthy field trips which seemed clear across the world to me, I recall fearing the black children that would come loudly pouring out of their schoolbuses. I found it perplexing to be afraid of their hostile behavior, inwardly comparing it to the hostile behavior of my white classmates. Subconsciously I chose sides; my level of fear greater among the black children, primarily based upon my level of inexperience with black people.

All children disagree from time to time, and it was at this early age I “learned I was a nigger”. Unfortunately I didn’t know how to protect myself from these hurtful comments and since I was in the minority, I learned how to adopt the “sticks and stones” motto. An hour later the same kid would show up at my door wanting to play, and Dad would have a talking with them before our playtime reconveniened. In the neighborhood a couple of blocks away existed several black families. I recall a specific incident where two dark-skinned black girls stood on the opposite side of the car from me, whispering and pointing at me. I felt a familiar lump grow in my throat, knowing it was again a color issue. This time no hurtful names were called, just the recollection of me hanging my head, as if I were something to be ashamed of.

Those experiences developed over a period of time set the stage for setting me apart from the rest of society. I grew up understanding we were a light-skinned black family, and I accepted that role. I still do; however our unique belonging to society was never discussed. Perhaps my parents themselves did not know how to pursue the issue. As my sister came of age to date, Dad drove her and her friends into the next state to socialize with other blacks. To the best of my recollection, she seemed to feel right at home in these surroundings. My brother, being of the same age, didn’t appear to date at all. Later I understood he preferred dating white women, but didn’t pursue it for the same reasons as I didn’t. Years later, my younger sister also appears to have selected the white race as her dating preference. Personally, I did not pursue dating throughout junior high or high school, sidestepping the race issue entirely. I quietly figured God would find a place for me somewhere in his world. In fact, I never began dating until age 21 because of this reason. I found myself angry because of the racial division society places upon inter-racial couples, and even angrier because I did not even fit the description of being part of an inter-racial couple. It has often been my experience that when with a white man,people never looked twice; yet with a black man stares were commonplace. How ironic!

For the next ten years my exploration into the dating world was filled with hurtful experiences. Because I tended to be most attracted to my own shade of yellow, that’s what I sought. No yellow people existed where I lived, so I dated what I thought was the next best thing. It was during this time I learned black people were considered “less than” by society. At no time in my life had I ever felt less than anyone else, until I began dating “out of my race.” When I saw the anger and unacceptance from my dates after having been “duped” I realized they thought they were better than me because of their racial status. My adopted “rebellious” attitude during the mid-80’s led me to continually challenge the issue. I suppose that regardless of my pain, I was going to show “them” I was just as good as they were, if not better. I wanted them to see that being black was a good thing. I wanted them to be enlightened by my intelligence, intrigued by my warmth and compassionate character, and touched by my empathic nature as a human being. Of course not all white/other people turned me away. Perhaps it was subconsciously that I chose to embrace these difficult experiences, as if I had a mission. I was a late bloomer, just coming into my own, searching for my identity, unfortunately allowing other’s perceptions and opinions to shape and mold me through their vision of how I appeared. If they saw me as white, I was white in their eyes. Imagine their confusion after discovering the friend they had known for years was black!

Tired of my blackness being the object of controversy, and the guilt of choosing one race over another, I began dating black men for a period of time. While this was “easier” I must admit to feeling just as out of place, perhaps placing myself in this quandary. I remain uncertain as to my uneasiness experienced during this time in my life. I can only speculate that I participated in a society that embraced beauty as having certain physical characteristics; thus there being certain features of my own I never learned to accept, and never accepted in the black community. I even began disliking myself at times -- Wanting to be “blacker” so that I fit in with the black race. Wanting to be “blacker” so that if a white man approached me, he would know what he’d be getting into. At one point I even cut my shoulder length hair an inch long, so that it would grow in curly, and began wearing jewelry and clothing I felt an African-American woman might wear. Afterward, I felt even more out of place. I eventually learned that to be truly proud of my heritage, I simply needed to accept me for me, despite categories placed upon me by society. Perhaps it may have been easier to have grown up in an all-black neighborhood attending all black schools, socializing in all black environments, but this is the life I have lived, and I will never know any other experience. Suprisingly, I never wanted to be "whiter".

It has taken a lifetime to learn to accept myself. While I am well aware of the privileges that come with a blended race, Iam also privy to the hurtful comments and remarks made by those who aren’t aware of my nationality. It is during these times that I remind myself that we all must come into this world, learning how to manage the “issues” assigned to us. It is through these experiences, both positive and negative, that we form a true strength of character and sense of self. I am proud to be a strong woman, and even more proud to have blood of red, white and black running through my veins. I look forward to serving God in the best way I know how: Love, kindness, empathy and understanding for all people of all colors.

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